It is my new goal to fall in love with someone while waiting in line.
I’m done with dating and hook-ups and I just want to become intimate with someone waiting in line with me.
My ideal partner is someone who is ahead of me in line, but, honestly, I would gladly take someone who is behind me in line—especially as I am nearing 30 with little to no career aspirations.
With this in mind, I scan the people, ahead and behind.
I happen to notice someone scanning as well.
We meet eyes.
In some sort of unspoken agreement, we decide to give it a try.
We don’t have to connect on any one issue.
We don’t have to have anything in common.
It doesn’t matter how many siblings we have, how we feel about immigration, or what television shows or musical artists we think are best.
We would forever be united by our mutual participation in the line.
Maybe our eyes will drift outward, occasionally. We’ll see that there are yet even more people in the line, more options…
Maybe we start to realize how crazy it is, how our love is based on nothing but the line.
We start to regret our decision. Maybe we took things too fast.
However, we rescind these thoughts, as leaving would only mean starting over in the line.
You spend the majority of your life in the line; why not pick someone to wait with forever?
ernest went to camp
ernest went to school
ernest went to jail
ernest went to Africa
ernest didn’t go to my dinner party
ernest hasn’t rsvp’d to my wedding
ernest can’t make it to my improv show
ernest never gave me notes on my screenplay
this man has done everything,
yet he’s been the worst friend to me;
I YEARN FOR ERNEST
I CALL TO HIM IN THE NIGHT
____THERE IS NO ANSWER
TO LOVE AND TO GIVE
____AND GET NOTHING IN RETURN
__________________THE PLIGHT OF INDIFFERENCE
_________________THE SORROW OF INSIGNIFIGANCE
_________________THERE IS ONLY DREAD FOR VERN,
____________________ernest’s SAD NEIGHBOR…
I have just learned that ernest has died
he has been dead for some time now
I am terribly sorry about all of this.
I WENT INTO VIC’S BARBERSHOP TO GET A HAIRCUT
WHEN I ENTERED, THE DOG RESPONSIBLE FOR EATING ALL THE HAIR ON THE GROUND STARTED BARKING AT ME
I TOLD THE DOG TO HUSH, BUT TO NO AVAIL
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, BARBER VIC’S COMING OUT OF HIS OFFICE, DEMANDING TO KNOW WHY HIS DOG BARKS
I TOLD HIM, “I HAVE NO IDEA, I’M JUST HERE FOR A HAIR CUT.”
HE SAID, “OH MY GOD. YOU HAVE THE WORST HAIR I’VE EVER SEEN.”
I SAID, “YEAH, IT’S A BIT LONG I SUPPOSE. THAT’S KIND OF WHY I’M HERE.”
HE SAID, “SURE, BUT HOLD ON ONE SECOND. I HAVE TO SHOW YOU THIS.”
HE WENT BACK INTO HIS OFFICE.
I WAITED WHILE THE DOG GNASHED HIS FANGS AT ME.
HE CAME OUT WITH HIS LAPTOP. SAID, “YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS.”
HE HANDED ME HIS LAPTOP, WHICH WAS OPENED UP TO A GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH FOR “WORST HAIR” AND THE THIRD RESULT WAS A PICTURE OF ME INSIDE VIC’S BARBERSHOP FROM MINUTES AGO
STUNNED, I DROPPED THE LAPTOP, WHICH PROMPTLY SHATTERED
THE DOG SNIFFED THE LAPTOP PARTS TO MAKE SURE IT WASN’T HAIR, HE GREW DISINTERESTED WHEN HE REALIZED IT WASN’T
I RAN OUT OF VIC’S BARBERSHOP AND SHAVED ALL MY HAIR OFF MYSELF WITH A STRAIGHT RAZOR
I COULDN’T QUITE SHAKE WHAT TOOK PLACE INSIDE OF VIC’S BARBERSHOP
MONTHS LATER I DID ONE MORE GOOGLE SEARCH FOR “WORST HAIR”, JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY
I SAW A PICTURE OF MY BALD HEAD FACING A COMPUTER SCREEN WITH A GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH RESULT FOR “WORST HAIR”
IT WAS THE SEVENTH RESULT