“LIFE STORY” & “KIDS WHO KILL (BOOK REPORT)” BY WILL WOODS

LIFE STORY

 

A

My name is Will Woods. I am fourteen years old. I was born on August 3, 1984. My favorite game is Mortal Kombat II. My favorite movie is Jason Goes to Hell. When I grow up I want to be a professional video game tester. My second choice is to write for Rolling Stone. My third choice is to be the man who puts old greyhounds to sleep.

 

B

I have seven books on snakes. I guess you could say that I am a snake boy. My favorite snakes are dendroaspis ployepis (black mamba) and ophiophagus hannah (king cobra). If I had a black mamba and/or a king cobra I would put it in my math teacher’s Ford Explorer.

 

C

My best friend is Danny Giuseppe.

He lives with his grandmother because his mom died when he was two or something. His grandmother’s house is small. There are plastic flowers and pictures of her family. It smells like cheese and cigarettes. His grandmother walks around in dirty sweatpants, baggy shirts where her boobs show.

Danny wears the same black Skinny Puppy shirt all the time. He also wears baggy black jeans with a lot of pockets and chains and zippers and stuff. He wears black lipstick. He paints his nails black. He dresses cool. But also gay. People call him fag, and he’s like, Shut up, bitch, you’re the fag, whatever. His grandmother says he looks like a fanook. And he’s like, That’s not a word you stupid old alzheimers bitch.

 

D

In the dream I had last night I was by the pool in our backyard. I heard a noise. I looked up and saw one of those beach planes. Like the kind with a banner. This one was like, come get some serious pizza.

I was looking at the banner, and I was like, “Yum.”

Then I heard Danny. He was like, “Hey, Will.”

Then I was on the diving board and Danny was too.

Danny said, “Look,” and he pointed down.

At the bottom of the water, all blurry, were about a million snakes. Some had their mouths open. They wanted us to see their big pale mouths. That’s how I knew they were agkistrodon piscivoruses (water moccasins).

I woke up and got in the shower.

My mom opened the bathroom door and was like, “Do you know what time it is? You’re going to be late to school.”

I was like, “OK, stop trying to look at my dick, bye.”

 

E

One time in the middle of class I yelled, “Every teacher is the same as Hitler.”

And the lady was like, “Go to the office, Will.”

Then I said in an old-timey gangster voice, “Sorry I ruffled ya feathers ya ignorant jerk.”

 

F

Two summers ago, I was staying with my aunt and uncle and two cousins in Maine. My aunt and uncle are rich. My mom and dad are rich, but not as rich as my aunt and uncle.

Out of the window of the room I stayed in I could see water. The water was always very still. It looked like a mirror.

One time I thought, Maybe God drained the water and replaced the water with a mirror so he could be like, I wonder if anyone will notice I replaced the water with a mirror.

Every day I would look at the water/mirror because my mom had said I might see some moose. But I never saw one because I have bad luck.

 

G

When I was in Maine I usually stayed up late with my cousins Zach and Richard.

One time Zach and me were in the basement. Richard wasn’t with us. I don’t know where Richard was.

I think I was like, “Where’s Richard?”

And I think Zach was like, “I dunno.”

Zach and me were watching The Lion King. The picture was weird because Zach and his Richard had watched it a lot. Like it looked like it was snowing. And it also looked like the animals were being electrocuted cause their skin was jumping.

We were watching it and not saying anything.

Then a part with Scar came on.

Scar is my best Disney villain. Every time I watch the Lion King I hope that the movie will magically change, and in the new version Scar will kill Simba. And Scar will piss on Simba’s dead face. Also he will laugh when the hyenas start eating Simba’s flesh and fur.

So I was like, “I like Scar.”

That’s when Zach said, “OK, but do you like girls or boys?”

I paused for a sec, thinking. I said, “I like girls.”

He said, “Are you sure?”

I said, “Yes.”

He said, “Have you ever given a girl a blowjob?”

I said, “No.”

He said, “Did you know that you could give a girl a blowjob?”

I said, “No.”

I was staring at the TV. The animals were singing. I could feel Zach staring at me.

He said, “Do you know how to give a girl a blowjob?”

I said, “No.”

He said, “You suck on the pussy hole. You suck pussy hole and pussy lips like a piece of spaghetti. Then you stick your tongue in and out like a nice hard rod.”

I could see his tongue going in and out of his mouth at the side of my vision. He was trying to show me. But I wasn’t looking.

He said, “Do you wish we had a girl here?”

I said, “Yes.”

He said, “Do you want me to give you a blowjob like a girl does it?”

I didn’t say anything for a long time. Then I said, “Make it quick, buster.”

He leaned over to me and undid my jeans.

Then he said, “Do you want me to do it the way a girl does it or the way a boy does it?”

I said, “The way a girl does it.”

He started poking my dick with his tongue. He was trying to make it a boner. Then it wasn’t a boner but he started sucking anyway.

I looked at the ceiling of the basement. It was a bunch of squares. The squares looked like the surface of the moon or like the kind of cheese with holes in it.

I pretended he was Pamela Anderson or Marilyn Monroe or the lady on the show The Nanny.

I was starting to get a boner.

I looked down. When I saw what was happening it made me feel guilty. So I looked back up.

I looked at the ceiling for a long time.

I could hear The Lion King and I could hear the small wet sound of the sucking.

When The Lion King ended, the TV showed static that sounded like someone crushing up paper. Then the tape rewound without anybody touching the VCR. When the tape was rewinding it sounded crazy, like the VCR was out of control. Then when the tape was done rewinding it was like neeerrrrugh-cluh-click.

Zach was still sucking.

He sucked on my boner for a long time.

After it was over, I said, “What is the word for what just happened?”

He said, “Blowjob.”

I said, “No. The other word.”

He said, “Gay.”

I said, “No. The other word.”

He said he didn’t know.

Later, when I was trying to sleep, I remembered the word.

The word was incest.

The word made me want to kill myself.

 

H

Then another time, my cousin was like, “Let me show you my room.”

His room was the messiest room I had ever seen.

There were clothes everywhere. There were cups and plates everywhere. The food on the plates was all dried up and a cup had a piece of green mold floating in it. The mold was like a little island.

I was like, “Doesn’t your mom make you clean up.”

And he was like, “No.”

I think he wanted to incest me again, but I was like, “Um, your room is dumb,” and I walked downstairs.

 

I

Sometimes I write stories.

Writing a story is me expressing myself.

Writing a story makes me a peaceful boy.

Sometimes I write a story on my favorite horror men. Like Freddy and Jason and Leprechaun.

The last story I did was about a boy who gets kidnapped by the serial killer John Wayne Gacy. In the story John Wayne Gacy realizes that the boy is just as evil as he is, so they go up on the roof of John Wayne Gacy’s house and they stare at the sun until their eyes fall out.

 

J

When Leprechaun was off driving he likes to listen to the tape of this single for Sweet Dreams by Marilyn Manson. Yesterday was the worst day in mankind. All you had to do was look. And the sky is red. This sky is red as the blood of witches. This sand is white as your skin. Your greatest nightmare is taking over. Look at the bible. Every revelation is in the course of happening. Leprechaun is in the desert. Leprechaun’s face is scarred up good. Leprechaun has been absorbed with eerie premonition. When dreaming of premonition some storms were a brewing and a map in his head showed X as big as the moon. Leprechaun was rubbernecking at the sky. Leprechaun sees occult symbols on a red sky like stars and symbols. Leprechaun was there. Leprechaun gets out on this desert out of this rusting all terrain vehicle and Leprechaun is all running into the red sunlight and digging in the place that Leprechaun wants and has been dreaming to be doing all his digging. Leprechaun dug up a dildo and a gothic antique wheelchair from history. Then he said better keep digging. Then Leprechaun dug up that long lost aborted son of Jesus Christ. At that moment these symbols in the sky were all going flashing. Jesus’s boy was wrapped up in some newspaper like some stinking piece of flounder fish. Leprechaun was laughing and laughing even going all lightheaded. When Leprechaun unwrapped Jesus’s boy Jesus’s boy was all dried-up and Jesus’s boy looked like a baby cat that was born sick that you would have been throwing right into the river without second thoughts. But even Leprechaun could see that Jesus’s boy was breathing. Leprechaun went into the back of his car to get the sheet metal he had saved for this kind of day. Then he was shaking the sheet metal to turn the sheet metal into a mirror and to send red light into the red sky to get Jesus’s attention. Leprechaun was going to make Jesus an offer that Jesus could not refuse. You can bet that Leprechaun was laughing like crazy at that—

 

K

One time Katie Couric said, “Will, how would you describe your stories?”

I said, “Um, Katie, well . . . I describe my stories as a mixture of things that are occult, gore, gothic, Satanic, and good, combined with some things that are deathrock, violent, horror, cool, and intelligent.”

 

L

Our new house is big as shit. We moved in like six months ago. The house is on a weird kind of road that goes nowhere. My dad said that kind of road is called a “cul-de-sac.”

I was like, “It’s called a piece of crap?”

My dad said, “You better watch your mouth, son.”

I was like, “Sorry, whatever.”

 

M

These are the curse words I can say around my dad: Crap, Damn, Hell, Penis, Liar, Ass (but not Asshole), Weiner, Poop, Stupid, Sexy, and Sex.

The only curse words I can say around my mom are: Liar, Poop, and Stupid.

Well, I can say Penis if I’m saying like, “Mom, my penis is hurting.” But I can’t say Penis if I’m like, “Mom, the neighbor is being a penis.”

 

N

One time right after we moved into our new house I was like, “If you looked at the cul-de-sac from a helicopter it would look exactly like a horse’s dick.”

My dad was like, “Watch your mouth, son.”

I was like, “Don’t get mad at me, geez.”

 

O

Oh yeah, this is another dream I had like a month ago.

I was back in the old house. I was doing something. Then I heard a commotion in the basement. I went to go see. In the basement, one of the walls was bright red and glowing like a hand with a flashlight up against it. For some reason I didn’t think that was weird. The commotion seemed weirder then the red wall. The commotion was coming from behind the washing machine. I walked up to the washing machine and I looked behind it. That was when a bungarus caeruleus (blue krait) lunged and bit me on the ankle.

You can probably tell that I have a lot of dreams about snakes.

 

P

The first time Danny came over to my new house, he was like, “I can’t believe what a big house you have.”

When Danny said that it reminded me of the part in Little Red Riding Hood when Little Red Riding Hood says, “What big teeth you have,” right before the wolf jumps on her and rips off her face and bestiality skullfucks her for an hour.

 

Q

Oh yeah, also I’m a comedian. Here’s a joke I made up.

A lady, a man, and a cat walk into a bar.

The man puts the cat on the table.

The man looks at the woman and says, “Rub the pussy.”

The lady sticks her middle finger into the cat’s vagina and everyone gags.

 

R

Danny loves the show Full House. That is Danny’s deepest, darkest secret.

Two years ago, Danny cried because Full House got cancelled.

I asked Danny why he loved Full House so much.

Danny said, “Because it made me feel relaxed.”

Danny even had all the Full House books. They took up two shelves on a bookshelf in his room. They had names like, Summertime Secrets Full House Stephanie and My Best Friend is a Movie Star Full House Michelle and The Wish I Wish I Never Wished Full House Michelle.

Danny filled up a composition book with scripts he wrote. The scripts were for a spin-off of Full House called Hell House.

Some of the ways he described the scripts actually sounded really cool. He said in the show you were going to find out that Kimmy Gibbler’s feet are stinky because she loves to walk around in dog shit. He said that in another episode either Orgy or Skinny Puppy were going to come by and perform with Uncle Jesse in the Tanners’ living room.

Danny said he was going to try to type the scripts up and send them to ABC.

Then I guess he forgot about them.

A couple weeks ago, I asked him what happened to the scripts.

Danny gave me a look like he thought I was making fun of him.

Then he said, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 

S

My second-best friend John Lorca Garcia lives in a dirty piece-of-crap house. But I like his house better than my house because he has the internet and I don’t.

One time Danny and me were over at John Lorca Garcia’s house. We were looking at a website called Rotten.

These are some of the things I saw on Rotten:

I saw a picture of a man without a head.

I saw a picture of a head without a man.

I saw a picture of guts in a nice pile.

I saw a picture of a man who had fallen off of a motorcycle and half his skin came off.

I saw a picture of blood that was black.

I saw a picture of a man who had been run over by a car.

I saw a picture of a man who had been run over by a train.

I saw a picture of a man who had been murdered by his pets.

I saw a picture of a woman with a purple face.

I saw a picture of a man with a bright red face.

I saw a picture of a baby the exact same color as a blueberry. They had blurred the baby’s eyes to respect the baby’s privacy.

I saw a picture of a person who had been dead a long time. The person was sitting in a lawn chair. The old person’s mouth was wide open.

Danny said, “It looks like the man died when he was saying the word cool.”

I said, “It looks like he was saying the word no.”

John Lorca Garcia said, “It looks more like he was saying the word no.”

I liked that John Lorca Garcia said that.

 

T

One more joke.

A cool teenager and his girlfriend go to the movies.

They see a movie called Sailboat’s Dozen.

An hour into Sailboat’s Dozen there’s an awesome sex scene with Tim Allen and Demi Moore and Sharon Stone and thirty other hot babes.

The cool teenager and his girlfriend get horny and have awesome sex in the theatre.

The cool teenager and his girlfriend go to the movie every day for a year. Every day they have awesome sex in the movie theatre.

One day they go to the theatre and Sailboat’s Dozen isn’t playing. So they buy a ticket for a movie called West Nipple.

Forty minutes into West Nipple there’s a sex scene with Roseanne Barr and a mangy mutt and a rhesus monkey. In the middle of the sex scene the rhesus monkey shits blood into Roseanne Barr’s mouth.

The cool teenager and his girlfriend never have sex again. 

 

U

Another time Danny spent the night at my new house my dad took us to Blockbuster.

Then we got two pepperoni pizzas from a place called Great American Subs and Pizza.

Then we were watching Jury Duty. It was my mom, my dad, and Danny, and me. We were sitting in the basement.

Everybody was laughing a lot. Everybody except for my boring mom. My mom kept saying, “This is not appropriate,” and, “I think this is rated R.”

After she said that like five times, my dad picked the case up and said, “Look, babe, PG-13.”

Then my mom was quiet for a while.

Then my mom was like, “Well, what’s the other movie you guys got?”

My dad said, “Congo.”

My mom said, “What’s The Congo rated?”

My dad groaned. Then he got up and looked at the case for Congo anyway.

He said, “PG-13, just like Jury Duty.”

She whispered, “Jesus Christ.”

Then she said, “Well, what’s The Congo rated PG-13 for?”

My dad looked all over the case. Then he said, “Congo is rated PG-13 for action, brief strong language, and jungle adventure terror.”

My mom said, “Put The Congo on.”

My dad does everything she says.

So then we had to watch Congo.

Congo was the most boring movie I have ever seen in my life.

The most boring movie I had ever seen before I watched Congo was this old movie called Rocky 2. I think they made Rocky 2 before I was even born. My dad loves Rocky 2. But I think Congo was actually more boring than Rocky 2. Well, they were both the same amount of being boring. But Rocky 2 made sense and Congo made no sense. That means that Congo was worse.

My dad started snoring in the middle of Congo.

My mom looked at my dad and said, “Wake up. Wake up.”

When my dad woke up, he looked around like he didn’t know where he was.

I thought he was going to say, “Who are you people?”

But he just said, “I must have dozed off.”

Then my parents were looking at each other, and one of them was like, “Do you want to go to bed.”

Then the other one was like, “Um, sure.”

Then I thought, Those two are going to be doing some good fucking tonight.

 

V

Another time at John Lorca Garcia’s house we went to a website called Death Films. The words Death Films were in a font of dripping blood. There was a big list of movies you could download and watch. The movies had names like B3TRN.MOV and F7GUN.MOV and M1SUIC.MOV.

We downloaded seven of them.

In the first movie, a man in a business suit walked across some train tracks and got smashed and went flying.

In the second video, a man walked up to a woman in a car and shot the woman in the head.

In the third video, an old woman was on the ground and being bitten by three angry dogs.

In the fourth video, a man was tied to a tree and blindfolded and shot three times in the face.

In the fifth video, a man who was standing in the middle of the road shot himself in the head with a shotgun.

In the sixth video, a woman in a foreign country was attacked by a bunch of people with stones.

In the seventh video, a guy who looked exactly like one of my cousins put on Timberland boots and stepped on a cat’s head until blood came out of its eyes and ears.

 

W

Speaking of cousins, I have seven or eight or nine cousins or something.

They have names like Zach and Richard and Katie and Jeremy and a different Katie and David and some other weird names. Plus there’s one guy who’s older and I’ve never met him and nobody’s ever even told me his name because he moved away to Alaska or some place crazy like that and I only saw a picture of him one time and he was standing in front of the Grand Canyon and giving a thumbs up or something.

Zach is the cousin I hate the most. I hate Zach because of him incesting me.

Jeremy is the cousin I like the most. I like Jeremy because he’s a bad kid.

One time I was watching Inside Edition and they were doing a thing on raves.

I laughed because everyone was sucking on pacifiers and one guy was dressed-up like a duck.

I thought, It would be nice to go to a rave.

Then I thought, But it would also be giving you a pounding headache after one second.

That’s when my mom was like, “All that raving. That is the kind of raving that Jeremy’s into. That kid keeps doing raves, he’s going to lose his life.”

Then my dad said, “Jeremy who?”

My mom said, “Sharon’s son.”

Sharon is my mom’s sister.

Like a month later we were at a barbecue for the fourth of July at my Uncle Bo and Aunt Carol’s house.

Uncle Bo and Aunt Carol are rich because Uncle Bo started the kind of store called Dollar Time and now there are like eight Dollar Time stores or something.

Uncle Bo and Aunt Carol are a different aunt and uncle than the ones in Maine. The Maine ones are on my dad’s side. Bo is my mom’s brother. Sorry if I’m being confusing. Please try not to get confused.

So it was the fourth of July and I was sitting on the couch and watching Nickelodeon on the big-screen projection TV.

Then some guy I had never seen before walked over to me.

He was like, “Hey, guy, mind if I change the station?”

I was like, “Umm.”

Then the guy sat down and changed the station to baseball.

I got really angry.

Then I was thinking like, I’m going to take a bottle of champagne and I’m going to pour it on the guy’s head the way a lady would if she walked in the room and caught her husband having sex with a redhead.

But then I didn’t do anything.

I was just sitting and watching the baseball.

Then I was like, Baseball is the most boring show I have ever seen in my life.

That’s when a pack of men I had never seen before were all coming over and talking and sitting down.

All the men had happy smiles and all the men had their shirts tucked into their shorts and all the men were holding tiny paper plates and bottles for a kind of beer called Amstel or something.

The one man in a green shirt was like, “Finally I’m getting to see Bo’s sixty-inch tube.”

Then the man in a green shirt was just standing and staring at the TV.

Then one of the men said, “Nice, right.”

Then the man in a green shirt said, “Real fricking nice.”

Then a fat man in a white shirt said, “Hey, Rob, imagine watching the Super Bowl on that thing.”

Then the man in a green shirt said, “Imagine watching a porno tape of Rocco Siffredi sticking his dick up some slut’s butt.”

Then some other man was like, “Kid over there.”

Then the man in the green shirt looked around. Then he stared at me and he started laughing. Then he kept staring at me and he held up his bottle of beer and said, “Life lesson, young buddy. People drinking cold beer, they’re gonna be saying stuff they shouldn’t.”

Then a man in a black shirt said, “Ain’t that the truth.”

Then the men weren’t even watching the stupid baseball because they were just talking and laughing.

It was the most boring talking I have ever had to listen to.

First they were talking about a guy from the radio named Rush and how much they like it when Rush nails Bill Clinton’s ass to the wall.

Then they were talking about golf. Some men said that they like Tiger Woods because he played The Masters good or something. Other men said that they don’t like Tiger Woods because now all the brothers are going to want to be playing golf.

I was like, It’s weird that Tiger Woods has my last name. I think Tiger Woods is my long-lost cousin or something.

Then I was like, What if Tiger Woods wanted to incest me? What would that be like?

Then the men were talking about how almost all Mexican women are ugly and then the guy in a white shirt said the word senoritas and all the men laughed.

Then they were talking about golf again.

Then the guy in a Hawaiian shirt started talking about the kind of car called Chevy Blazer because he wanted everyone to know how good the kind of car called Chevy Blazer is or something.

Then I got up.

Then when I was walking away I think they said something mean about me because I heard one of them whisper something about “that kid,” and then they all laughed.

Then I was almost crying.

Then I went to into a bathroom and I locked the door so that everybody would think I was just pooping or something.

Then I was crying.

Then I thought like, How about I take a damn butcher knife from the kitchen and I start screaming something like which one of you dumbbells said that kid and then when the men point to the man who said it how about I tackle his ass and how about when everybody starts screaming how about I cut his damn head off and how about I throw it in the fishbowl and how about I start having sex with the dead man’s bloody airhole and when I’m doing it I’ll be all like who’s your daddy who’s your damn daddy then how about I leave his body in the woods for the raccoons and foxes who are starving because of all the damn deforestation that nobody at this party even cares about.

Then I was thinking more stuff like that, and I felt better.

I walked over to the kitchen table where some women were sitting. I sat next to my mom. She put her hand on my back. I chugged two cans of Sprite and ate at least fifty Nacho Cheesier Doritos that I was dipping in some creamy Ranch stuff.

First the women were talking about Jesus and about how Jesus has already forgiven the one lady’s daughter for getting caught for driving a stolen car.

Then they were talking about the time some lady named Roxanne Finkelstein dropped her baby on the floor and how when she took the baby to the hospital they couldn’t do anything and how now the baby barely ever cries because she probably made it retarded but no one is going to know for sure until it’s older.

Then they were talking about how they wish the show L.A. Law was still on.

Then they were talking about a book called The Bridges of Madison County.

Then Aunt Sharon and Uncle Ted walked into the kitchen.

And everybody was like, “Hey, guys.”

Then Aunt Sharon and Uncle Ted were like, “Sorry we’re late.”

Then Uncle Bo walked into the room.

Uncle Bo was like, “Hey, guys.”

Aunt Sharon and Uncle Ted were like, “Hey, Bo.”

Then Uncle Bo looked around the room and he was like, “Who wants cheese on their burgers?”

And everybody in the room was like, “I do.”

Then Uncle Bo said, “Who wants a hot dog?”

Nobody said anything.

Then Uncle Bo said, “So, nobody wants a hot dog?”

Nobody said anything.

Then Uncle Bo walked away.

Then somebody said, “Hey Ted, where’s Jeremy?”

Then Uncle Ted was like, “He’s coming.”

Then Uncle Ted put his head down in shame.

Then like one second later Jeremy walked into the room.

Jeremy had on a shiny yellow shirt that was real tight and was looking like it was made out of catfish skin or something and Jeremy had on big black pants with like forty pockets and a million zippers and all kinds of straps and different stuff and Jeremy had short green hair that looked like grass and Jeremy had on a super-tight necklace that was made of the kind of beads that have a different letter on each bead and he had on the kind of candy jewelry that I hate because it’s just generic Smarties that they put on a stretchy string that always breaks and the generic Smarties fall on the floor and Jeremy was wearing sneakers that were bright blue and had heels that were too thick like the kind of shoe somebody would make for a midget who hates his body or for a midget who is scared that no one will respect him.

Everybody was staring at Jeremy.

Then everyone said, “Hey, Jeremy.”

But they said it like people who are extremely sad.

Jeremy said, “Hi.”

Then I was staring at Jeremy’s face and I was like, Why does his face look like it’s made of orange rubber that’s all hot and bubbling up?

Then I realized that Jeremy has the worst acne I have ever seen in my life and that Jeremy tried to cover up his acne with makeup that’s the same damn color as a carrot or a pumpkin or something.

Then I thought, Jeremy looks extremely cool.

Then I thought, Actually Jeremy looks extremely gay and he also looks like a total wreck.

Then somebody said, “So, Jeremy, what are you doing with yourself?”

Then Jeremy was scratching his face and he was looking down and being like, “Ummm.”

Then Uncle Ted said, “Don’t even bother to ask, Barb. Jeremy here’s been doing nothing but messing up.”

Then it was real quiet.

Then somebody said, “It takes some kids longer to get on the right track.”

Jeremy just kept looking down and scratching his face.

Then I ate two cheeseburgers and after that, I was sitting in a chair and doing nothing.

Then Uncle Bo was looking at me and he was like, “Hey, Will, you know we have ping pong and air hockey and a pool table in the club basement downstairs.”

Then I was downstairs and I was by myself and I was playing the one kind of game on the pool table where you grab a random ball and you roll the ball across the table and you don’t care where it goes.

Then I heard somebody on the steps, walking downstairs.

And I saw it was Jeremy, and I was like, Oh weird, it’s Jeremy.

Then I was like, Oh crap, I’m about to get butt-raped or something. This basement is going to be like Maine all over again.

Then Jeremy was like, “Hi.”

Then Jeremy sat on the couch on the other side of the room and turned on a TV that no one was watching.

Then I was like, I want to say something to Jeremy but I’m too nervous.

I guess I felt nervous because he is my favorite cousin.

I think if he wanted to incest me I would be like, “Yeah, sure, why not.”

Then I would chicken out at the last minute just to leave him wanting more.

 

X

Then another time I was over at Uncle Bo and Aunt Carol’s house, I was in a really bad mood about something. I was resting my head on my arms like somebody taking a nap in class. Then I started crying because I did not want to be there at all.

Then one of Uncle Bo’s neighbors was like, “What’s wrong with the boy?”

I just ignored him and was crying harder.

Then he put his hand on my back and was like, “What’s wrong young man?”

I was like, “You touch me and I sue you!”

Everyone went quiet and my dad apologized to the neighbor, and my dad was like, “Come on, Will, we’re leaving.”

So then we left and we were driving home, and my dad was giving me a hard time and being like, “Will, life ain’t gonna get easier. Everything’s just gonna get harder. I love you but, mmm, buddy, it’s getting real frustrating for me and your mom.”

I was crying and screaming and I was like, “I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m a bad son! I’m sorry!”

And my dad kept going on and my mom didn’t defend me and I was just crying and crying and pulling my hair and making fists, and all I could think was, Please, God, please, please, please, end the world tonight, end the world for me, please God, please God, please God, end the world for me tonight, please, I’ll give you anything, please, please, please, help me by doing this one thing for me tonight and please end the world, end it for a nice boy who has barely done anything wrong and please let everything go and just end it tonight because it’s all messed up and the whole world is filling up with litter and the whole world is sad and everybody is doing every sin and everybody is sad and the whole world is just a bunch of bullcrap and everyone’s life is an American nightmare and please put us out of our misery and please pull the plug and please put the world to sleep tonight and please just let us go and please let us pass away and please put something bad in the air and the food and the water and please let it be something that will please just let everything in the world just go to sleep and slip away.

 

Y

I watched the Hale-Bopp comet.

It was very bright.

It was bigger and brighter than everything else in the sky.

It looked like a baseball that Mark McGuire hit so hard that it became a ball of white light and froze in midair so that everyone in the world could see how hard the great slugger had hit it.

It was also a very beautiful comet that I loved to see.

 

Z

One time Danny and John Lorca Garcia and me were walking around the mall.

A random Asian guy walked by.

John Lorca Garcia yelled, “Oh my god it’s Judge Lance Ito.”

The random Asian guy gave us a dirty look.

That’s when John Lorca Garcia said, “Judge Lance Ito is giving us a dirty look.”

That was the day I got a spiked bracelet. I got it so I could wear it to school.

I wore it to school the next day and a teacher saw it. The teacher sent me to the office.

In the office, the vice-principal made me give her the bracelet. She said, “Your parents can pick it up. If you wear it again you will be suspended.”

I said, “What if I wear it on my ankle?”

She said, “If you wear it again you will be suspended.”

I said, “What if I get one that’s bigger and I wear it like a necklace?”

She said, “If you get anything studded and wear it to school you will be suspended.”

I was thinking of something else to ask her.

Then she could tell I was thinking of something else to ask her because she leaned forward and she said, “Mr. Woods, this is the end of this discussion.”

I could tell she thought I was trying to be annoying.

I wasn’t trying to be annoying.

I just don’t like surprises.

If I could describe myself in one word it would be: a boy who doesn’t like surprises. And who also likes snakes and is normal.

 

KIDS WHO KILL (BOOK REPORT)

 

The book I chose for to do my report is called Kids Who Kill. It was written by a man named Charles Patrick Ewing. I chose Kids Who Kill by Charles Patrick Ewing because I feel like the kids who are killing is a national problem. Inside of Kids Who Kill it says it was printed-up in 1990. Kids Who Kill was made and printed-up by some company called Lexington Books. I bought Kids Who Kill at a church bazaar for fifty cents. Kids Who Kill is an old book but an extremely smart book. After I read Kids Who Kill I was shaken and I was walking around in a daze for days. After I read Kids Who Kill I felt like kids killing people is as big of a problem as AIDS. I felt like kids killing is a problem that is going to run America into the ground. I think that Bill Clinton needs to be tackling the kids killing problem instead of getting his hands dirty with stuff like Whitewater. I think that the book Kids Who Kill is a good book but the thing I don’t like about Kids Who Kill is that Kids Who Kill has a lot of facts and a lot of information on stuff like what a psychiatrist does and the kind of stuff like what kind of stuff different people do in a courtroom. I feel like that stuff was very good and very intelligent but I also felt like if the book is called Kids Who Kill they should just stick to the main idea of kids who kill and write the book about kids who kill and not try to write the book about the police people and the different doctors that the kids who kill were always having to try to make deals with. When I decided to write my book report on Kids Who Kill I decided to take all of the facts about the kids who kill and put them in my book report because I wanted to show you what a problem kids killing is. I want to make you face reality and I want to make you think of the families. I also wanted there to be a version of the book that is just the kids who kill and that’s what this report is going to be. I am going to put each kid under a line of just pure white space so when you’re reading it will be more like a moment of silence for each victim. One last thing before I begin is let’s not forget to think of the families.  

A fourteen-year-old boy went off and stabbed to death some of his neighbors and beat to death some of his neighbors.

A boy named Dale killed his mother in the garage with a rusted-up old axe then he went off and killed his dad when his dad was sleeping.

A fourteen-year old boy shot his friend in the head with a .357 magnum.

On Christmas Day 1989, two boys took a machine gun and went off and shot some people to death.

A sixteen-year old boy named Timothy beat his eleven-year-old brother to death with a baseball bat then he went off and killed his stepfather and his grandmother with gun.

An eleven-year-old boy named Frederick knocked on a door and somebody said Who is it and then they opened the door up and a fourteen year old boy shot young Frederick to death.

A sixteen-year-old boy named Richard killed his dad and mom with a shotgun because he had been talking to his sister about doing it so he went off and did it.

In 1983, a fifteen-year-old named Jory ran away from home and when he came back home he went off and killed his mom’s boyfriend.

An eighteen-year-old boy named Robert killed his dad with a shotgun ’cause his dad had went off and his dad was going crazy and his dad was slamming his mom’s head into a microwave oven.

A man in his forties from Long Island was shot to death by a seventeen-year-old boy who went off.

An eight-year-old boy shot his dad to death because the mom had said she wanted the dad to die.

A fifteen-year-old boy killed his dad because the mom wanted the son to go off and kill the dad.

Kids Who Kill was a great book and I think you can get it from the library. I would read it again, but not for a while.

Maybe when I’m forty.